Getting to the bottom of something important
I would like to make a request of my handful of faithful AB readers out there.
Please spread the word. I am now accepting research money for a special project I have dreamed up. It will be ground-breaking and Earth-shaking. It will challenge every pre-conceived notion you have ever had about life and set the science world on its ear.
With my research, I will strive to answer the question that has been on the minds of men and women for centuries: Do beautiful women prefer men with large bank accounts?
If you decide to invest in my project, I pledge to work tirelessly for hours at a time. I will sacrifice literally days of my life for the sake of this important research. All I need, my dear readers, is the bank account.
That’s where you come in.
With your thoughtful and worthwhile donations to the cause, I will buy nice clothes, and perhaps – if you do your jobs as investors – a nice car. I will go to expensive bars and buy expensive drinks for the most beautiful women I can find. Then I will compare notes on my level of success compared to my earlier, poor, pre-research-grant life.
*There is no time to waste, please send money now.
For those of you requesting more background on my project, I must say that I conceived of my idea after reading this story about another research project by some fine fellows in Ireland. It seems they convinced someone they needed money to research the effect of hangovers on the work of surgeons. For their project, they went out and partied with a bunch of surgeons, then monitored how they performed in virtual reality surgeries the next day.
The result was shocking: Hungover surgeons did not perform as well as those who did not drink the night before.
At 9 AM, hung-over students made about 19 errors on average, while those who hadn’t been drinking made only eight. This difference hadn’t been seen before the night out, and faded over the day.
That’s a huge difference, as you are far more likely to survive a surgery where the person with the knife only makes eight mistakes. Thank goodness for the tireless work of our research friends from the Royal College of Surgeons. It must have been difficult to find subjects for their project.
* Please do not send money. This whole idea is a joke. I think. Well, at least I’m pretty sure. Is it? Yeah, it’s a joke.