A memo to the Baltimore Police Department: My brother is on the loose!

A message for the Baltimore Police Department: Please be on the lookout for my brother.

He’s about 6-0, maybe 175 pounds. He is not armed but can be mildly dangerous if cornered. He also runs pretty fast.

He doesn’t live in Baltimore, but travels a lot, so you never know when he might come through.

*Not actually my brother

*Not actually my brother

To help you in your search, I’ve included a *photo of him here –>

You should know that he has a long and sordid criminal history. I’ve included a sampling of his transgressions for your convenience.

  • One time he told on me for giving him a wedgie. I know that’s technically not a crime, but it should be don’t you think? Besides, he totally deserved it, and yet I was the one who was grounded.
  • When he was a senior in high school, he and some of his lowlife punk friends left a shopping cart on top of the school as a prank.
  • He drank alcohol before he was 21.
  • This year, he called me to wish me a happy birthday — the day after my birthday!
  • Lastly, note that he is wearing a hoodie, which everyone knows is a dead giveaway that he’s up to no good.

Why am I providing you all this helpful information about a dangerous criminal? It’s a bit complicated, but it boils down to this:

First of all, I couldn’t help but notice you are paying the family of Freddie Gray $6.4 million to make up for murdering their son. Secondly, I’ve got one helluva big credit card bill. So I thought we could, you know, help each other out?

Now I know that you, like many police organizations, prefer murdering young black men, and I realize my brother is neither black, nor particularly young. That’s why I’m willing to negotiate. How does $3 million sound? OK $2.5 million, but that’s my final offer.

Don’t be stingy, BPD! After all, you’ve got a lot of money — or at least your taxpayers do — and I’ve got a brother who is probably a serial killer.

You never know.

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About averagebob

Hi. My name is Bob and I'm an average guy. In fact, I'm about as average as they come. In school, my grades were decent, but not great. I'm pretty good at sports, when I'm competing against average athletes. And I'm definitely an overachiever -- at least when I don't have to work too hard at it. I've got a wife, two kids and a dog, and live in middle-class suburbia, where the average person looks -- more or less -- like me. Everyday, I see things that make me shake my average-sized, modestly quaffed head. With all the wackiness in the news and on the Internet, it's about time someone average got to give their take on the insanity, and inanity, of this world.
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