A message for the Baltimore Police Department: Please be on the lookout for my brother.
He’s about 6-0, maybe 175 pounds. He is not armed but can be mildly dangerous if cornered. He also runs pretty fast.
He doesn’t live in Baltimore, but travels a lot, so you never know when he might come through.
To help you in your search, I’ve included a *photo of him here –>
You should know that he has a long and sordid criminal history. I’ve included a sampling of his transgressions for your convenience.
- One time he told on me for giving him a wedgie. I know that’s technically not a crime, but it should be don’t you think? Besides, he totally deserved it, and yet I was the one who was grounded.
- When he was a senior in high school, he and some of his lowlife punk friends left a shopping cart on top of the school as a prank.
- He drank alcohol before he was 21.
- This year, he called me to wish me a happy birthday — the day after my birthday!
- Lastly, note that he is wearing a hoodie, which everyone knows is a dead giveaway that he’s up to no good.
Why am I providing you all this helpful information about a dangerous criminal? It’s a bit complicated, but it boils down to this:
First of all, I couldn’t help but notice you are paying the family of Freddie Gray $6.4 million to make up for murdering their son. Secondly, I’ve got one helluva big credit card bill. So I thought we could, you know, help each other out?
Now I know that you, like many police organizations, prefer murdering young black men, and I realize my brother is neither black, nor particularly young. That’s why I’m willing to negotiate. How does $3 million sound? OK $2.5 million, but that’s my final offer.
Don’t be stingy, BPD! After all, you’ve got a lot of money — or at least your taxpayers do — and I’ve got a brother who is probably a serial killer.
You never know.