5 things professional athletes are allowed to do that you can’t

Don’t you wish you were a professional athlete? Not only would you be rich  and famous, you’d be adored by millions and never have to buy another drink in your life.

Well it turns out there are a lot of other less-talked-about perks to being a pro athlete. Let’s take a look at five things they can get away with that you can’t.

P.S.: I normally don’t do lists, but this time I couldn’t resist. So cut me some slack unless you want “The Papelbon Treatment.”

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When a refugee reviews Hungary on Yelp …

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Our stay in Hungary so far has been an absolute delight!

We have been walking for a while, and this vacation across Europe has been a lot more tiring than we expected, but we have experienced nothing but kindness from the fine government which has so warmly received me and my family this week.

The welcoming party was particularly warm and attentive, as the camera woman immediately noticed the exhausted looks on our faces did not waste a moment helping us find a seat on the nice soft grass.

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A memo to the Baltimore Police Department: My brother is on the loose!

A message for the Baltimore Police Department: Please be on the lookout for my brother.

He’s about 6-0, maybe 175 pounds. He is not armed but can be mildly dangerous if cornered. He also runs pretty fast.

He doesn’t live in Baltimore, but travels a lot, so you never know when he might come through.

*Not actually my brother

*Not actually my brother

To help you in your search, I’ve included a *photo of him here –>

You should know that he has a long and sordid criminal history. I’ve included a sampling of his transgressions for your convenience.

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Christopher Columbus tries to convince the Lil’ General to support his voyage

Little_general-2When Christopher Columbus persuaded King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain to support his voyage into the West, it changed the course of world history.

And a good thing, too. Without Columbus, Europeans would undoubtedly still believe the Earth was flat and the Chinese would be running the Americas. (Imagine how bad the smog in LA would be!)

*Here’s how Columbus convinced Ferdinand and Isabella to support his quest:

(*Might not be historically accurate)

Columbus: Hey guys, give me three ships and I’ll sail west to find a new route to China. That will give you a huge advantage when it comes to trade.

Queen Isabella: (yawns)

King Ferdinand: Cool. What’s in it for us?

Columbus: Any territory I find along the way I’ll claim for Spain.

Ferdinand: But won’t you just fall off the end of the Earth? Then we’ll be out three good ships.

Columbus: The Earth is round. That was established a long time ago. Besides, I found this map the Chinese made. Turns out there’s at least one whole continent on the way to the Orient. I’ll make you so rich the Queen will be wearing gold-plated girdles.

Isabella: (perks up)

Ferdinand: Awesome! Let’s do it!

Now let’s imagine how it would be if Columbus was trying to convince the Lil’ General (TM) to support the voyage:

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An idea for any young adult who complains of boredom: Go fuck yourself

Bored guy.

Bored? Whatever you do, don’t do anything about it!

I hear it all the time. At work. At the gym. At the mall. At the store.

It usually comes from the mouth of an adult somewhere between the ages of 18-30, and generally sounds something like this: (in a very annoying voice) “Oh my God, I’m sooooooo bored.”

I have an idea for any person who says this: Go fuck yourself.

This might seem harsh, but I’m just trying to be helpful. After all, this course of action would accomplish two things.

1. It would alleviate the boredom.

2. It would make me feel better.

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