Getting to the bottom of something important

Please spread the word. I am now accepting research money for a special project I have dreamed up. It will be ground-breaking and Earth-shaking. It will challenge every pre-conceived notion you have ever had about life and set the science world on its ear.

With my research, I will strive to answer the question that has been on the minds of men and women for centuries: Do beautiful women prefer men with large bank accounts?

If you decide to invest in my project, I pledge to work tirelessly for hours at a time. I will sacrifice literally days of my life for the sake of this important research. All I need, my dear readers, is the bank account.

That’s where you come in.

With your thoughtful and worthwhile donations to the cause, I will buy nice clothes, and perhaps – if you do your jobs as investors – a nice car. I will go to expensive bars and buy expensive drinks for the most beautiful women I can find. Then I will compare notes on my level of success compared to my earlier, poor, pre-research-grant life.

*There is no time to waste, please send money now.

For those of you requesting more background on my project, I must say that I conceived of my idea after reading this story about another research project by some fine fellows in Ireland. It seems they convinced someone they needed money to research the effect of hangovers on the work of surgeons. For their project, they went out and partied with a bunch of surgeons, then monitored how they performed in virtual reality surgeries the next day.

The result was shocking: Hungover surgeons did not perform as well as those who did not drink the night before.

At 9 AM, hung-over students made about 19 errors on average, while those who hadn’t been drinking made only eight. This difference hadn’t been seen before the night out, and faded over the day.

That’s a huge difference, as you are far more likely to survive a surgery where the person with the knife only makes eight mistakes. Thank goodness for the tireless work of our research friends from the Royal College of Surgeons. It must have been difficult to find subjects for their project.

* Please do not send money. This whole idea is a joke. I think. Well, at least I’m pretty sure. Is it? Yeah, it’s a joke.

With age comes wisdom

He leaves behind 111 years of memories – think about that! – and a wealth of wisdom, including the secrets to living a long life. Among Bruening’s tips:

• Embrace change, even when it slaps you in the face. (“Every change is good.”)
• Eat two meals a day. (“That’s all you need.”)
• Work as long as you can. (“That money’s going to come in handy.”)
• Help others. (“The more you do for others, the better shape you’re in.”)

This sounds like great advice to me. It goes far beyond eating right and exercising and going to bed at a decent hour.

It’s about not only keeping your body strong and healthy, but your mind sharp and your heart happy.

“Everybody says your mind is the most important thing about your body. Your mind and your body. You keep both busy, and by God you’ll be here a long time,” he said.

Well said.

I guess the only gripe I have is the whole “two meals a day” thing. But then again, Bruening didn’t specify what you could and couldn’t eat, or how many calories you could consume. He also didn’t mention snacks, or the even more difficult question of soup – does it count as a meal or not?

It might take another 114 years to figure that one out.

All I know is that as long as I can get the occasional steak in there, I’ll be happy.

Jon Kyl, pants on fire

By reading the preceding paragraph, you might get the impression that Kyl is a horrible human being. He might very well be, I don’t really know. In fact, as far as I know, none of the things I wrote about Kyl above are true. I’m sorry if you got the wrong impression, but this is not intended to be a factual blog post. I’m merely trying to make a point, just like Kyl did.

Kyl said a silly, uniformed thing while debating budget cuts on the senate floor this week. He said that Planned Parenthood – federal funding for which is a huge point of contention – is all about abortion, stating that it was “well over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does.”

It turns out that Kyl’s 90 percent figure was off by a mere 87 percent, which seems like a lot, but in reality probably wasn’t too bad by politician standards.

When Kyl was called out for his bogus statistic, his response could have been to admit that he didn’t know what he was talking about. He could have blamed his mistake on a brain fart, shoddy research by an intern, or alien abduction. Instead, he had his office release this statement:

‘His remark was not intended to be a factual statement, but rather to illustrate that Planned Parenthood, a organization that receives millions of dollars in taxpayer funding, does subsidize abortions.’

“It was not intended to be a factual statement.” Imagine the freedom one must feel in saying such a thing. Some examples:

• George Washington: “The cherry tree? When I said it wasn’t me, I was just trying to make a point. My bad, bro.”
• Young Average Bob: “Yes mom, I know I told you my homework was finished, but that was not intended to be a factual statement.”
• Richard Nixon: “You know that whole ‘I am not a crook’ thing? Yeah, well, I didn’t mean to mislead you about that. Sorry! LOL!”

I don’t what kind of politician Kyl is, and I don’t have any idea how to fix our budget problems. But there is one thing I am sure of: Jon Kyl is a liar, and not a very good one at that. He is good enough at it, however, to light his own pants on fire.

Wyatt Cenac of The Daily Show breaks it down here.

Story from WWL – AM870

Some can be funny, some stupid. Some are painful, while others are just painful to watch.

In honor of the season, here are our fave five political campaign ads, ranked in order.

5. BILL RICHARDSON IS THE NEXT JOHN WAYNE

4. JEDI MIND TRICKS: VOTE FOR ME!

3. MIDGETS, THE HIGHEST FORM OF COMEDY

2. FINALLY A POLITICIAN WHO DOESN’T HAVE HIS HEAD UP HIS ASS

1. CHUCK NORRIS APPROVED!

Nancy Pelosi

So House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says she won’t support Bush’s $700 million bailout plan unless Republican legislators pledge their support. This according to a story on TheHill.com.

In related news, the neighbor dog says he won’t pee on the bush unless the other neighbor dogs pledge to also pee on the bush first. You see, the bush is on fire. It could end up burning down the whole block. But that dog knows it could get into trouble if the owner of the bush decides he would rather have it burn down than smell like dog pee.

No, it’s not a perfect analogy. And no, it’s not meant to be an argument for or against the bailout. Merely to point out the inanity of politics.

Yeah, yeah, we know. That’s how the game is played. Clinton had to lobby hard to get NAFTA passed. Republican leaders like Newt Gingrich and Bob Dole were in favor, but pledged only limited support, forcing Clinton to lobby his own Democrat brethren hard. Sure this sort of thing happens all the time.

But this is a crisis people. This is the sort of thing that could snowball. Go worldwide. Then what?

How about this? How about each politician weigh the package on its own merit. Weigh how your constituency is likely to react versus what you think is best for the country. Then decide.

If you’re for it, vote yes. If you’re against it, vote no. But don’t just vote no. How about coming up with a better idea?

Too simple? Geez. What are we paying you people for?

More fun found on the Web:

• Driving your son to a drive-by-shooting does not make you a good mother. Not even in Long Beach. (CBS13.com)
• Software program helps you spot political spin. Cool! (Technology.newscientist.com)
• More evidence fraternities are stupid: Tonight, we’re gonna drink a bunch of milk, puke on the freeway, and cause some accidents! Thank you sir, may I have another! (ArizonaRepublic)
• Apparently, a tried and true method of ultimate fighting is to pull off your shorts and throw them at police officers. (Wauwatosanow.com)

Brooke Hogan

Clearly, Brooke Hogan is a political genius. Will she vote in the 2008 presidential election? Maybe not, at least until she gets more information. Like who’s running.

Actually that’s not fair, the daughter of professional wrestler Hulk Hogan, and a budding pseudo-celebrity herself, knows all about Obama and McCain. Like, she totally knows that Obama and McCain are running for president. And she knows that Obama is black! Isn’t that great?

But the younger, fairer Hogan, eligible to vote for the first time, whined to Howard Stern that “I feel it’s unfair to be judged by this whole voting thing.”  And when asked who currently held the office of vice president, she blanked, complaining that “There’s too many frickin’ people in office!”

(You can read the story, and listen to the Stern audio here.)

Cheney's pissed!

OK, so Brooke doesn’t know who’s vice president. Does that make her an idiot? Well, let’s rephrase that … does that make her unique among Americans? Of course not! But at least give her credit. She should be applauded for saying she may not vote because she doesn’t want to make a wrong decision. She claims she “looked into” registering, or at least had her bookkeeper look into it for her.

In a related story, Brooke Hogan’s bookkeeper is being lobbied by both sides to get lost on the way to registration.

More fun found on the Web:

• Mexico has financial crisis, U.S. comes to the rescue. Same thing when problems hit Asia. But when the U.S. has a financial crisis, the world laughs. But remember gloaters, we’re all connected to each other in this global economy. (L.A. Times)
• At least Posh Spice is starting to like things better in L.A. So much that she’s eating! And (GASP) is that a smile?! (TheSun)
• Keeping the bottle full of beer does not make you a good mother. Not even in Oklahoma. (NewsOK.com)
• Manhattan Congressman calls Sarah Palin “disabled.” Some people might find this offensive. Like, you know, Palin’s son, who has Down syndrome. (WCBSTV.com)
• Obama offers some substance to back the rhetoric. The topic? The economic crisis. (HuffingtonPost)

As brilliant as he was in the pool in Beijing, he was just as awkward onstage in front of a live audience and television cameras. He stumbled across his lines and at times looked downright uncomfortable.

This isn’t surprising, and is always a risk tuning in when the show’s guest host is a non-actor. You never know what you’ll get.

Michael Jordan was pretty awkward, too, but his skit with Al Franken’s Stuart Smalley was so brilliant that that’s what most people remember.

Peyton Manning was pretty good, but he’s much older than Phelps (32 vs. 23), and has appeared in more commercials than the Budweiser Clydesdales.

So cut Phelps some slack, just don’t feel sorry for him. After all, he’s got eight gold medals from Beijing, he’s rich and keeping some pretty interesting company.

Now, let’s poke fun, along with Time Magazine, and see where Phelps ranks among the worst all-time SNL hosts. Interestingly, the only other athlete mentioned is Nancy Kerrigan. Not counting Carl Weathers, the man also known as Apollo Creed who played college (and pro, briefly) football.

 They’re the symbols of greatness for which all great athletes yearn. No, not hot groupies and millions of dollars. The trophies you shallow fools!

So what’s your favorite? Here are our fave five, ranked in order.

5. THE GREEN JACKET

What: A groovy coat you get for winning the Masters

Bad: If it was a green hooded sweatshirt, it might look good. But since it’s a sports jacket, it’s ugly as hell.

Good: Helps you blend in on the golf course.

4. VINCE LOMBARDI TROPHY

What: Win the Super Bowl, you get to have the big silver football.

Bad: It’s kind of simple and boring.

Good: It doesn’t have Lombardi’s face on it.

3. STANLEY CUP

What: Hockey’s grand prize. It gets larger every few years as the winning team is stenciled on the side.

Bad: A lot of people have guzzled alcohol from the Cup.

Good: The Cup holds A LOT of alcohol.

2. OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL

What: Perhaps the most coveted award in sports worldwide. Win this and you could get your face on a Wheaties box in the U.S., or a nice stipend in China.

Bad: Unless you’re Michael Phelps, your 15 minutes is about to end right … NOW.

Good: You weren’t stinking up the joint on Saturday Night Live.

1. HEISMAN TROPHY

What: The award to the best player in all of college football. It’s got the classic pose that cocky jackasses like to mimic after scoring 1-yard touchdowns against D-III teams. It hearkens back to history with the baggy pants and the leather helmet.

Bad: If you play defense, there’s no way in hell you’re winning this thing.

Good: To the victor, goes the spoils. Right Tim Tebow?

Raffella Fico

Would you like to have sex with this woman? Well it’s going to cost you.

A lot.

This lovely girl (an Italian model!) is charging a mere 1 million Euros for the honor of being her first sexual partner.

She seems like a sweet young lady. The kind you’d like to take home to your mother. Provided your mother is Angelina Jolie.

Her brother certainly offers a strong endorsement.

“She’s never had a boyfriend. I swear on my mother’s grave. She’s a devout Catholic and prays to Padre Pio every night,” he said.

At first I thought “Praying to Padre Pio” was some sort of Italian euphemism. But a quick search uncovered this Prayer to Padre Pio. So it’s legitimate. How disappointing.

But this development is good news for ugly men everywhere … provided they are rich. All you have to do is bring the cash and a box of wine.

“If I don’t like him I’ll just have a glass of wine and forget about it,” she said. 

How classy. And how is this not prostitution?