Don’t laugh: Balloon man floats to heaven

If I didn’t already make my reservation in hell by getting drunk at Disneyland years ago — it IS the happiest place on Earth! — I most certainly will with this post.

Under the category of strange but true, a Catholic priest has gone missing after his plan to raise money by setting a record for flying with balloons went terribly, terribly wrong. Or at least we’re assuming it went wrong, since no one has seen or heard from the man since.

According to the Associated Press, the man, a Brazilian named Rev. Adelir Antonio de Carli, took flight in a chair suspended below hundreds of helium balloons on Sunday afternoon. His goal was to remain aloft for more than 19 hours, breaking a record — although as everyone knows, the real record for being held aloft via hot air is actually held by The View, and is still being set anew every weekday.

He was well-outfitted for his journey, carrying all the necessities aside from common sense.

Carli lifted off Sunday afternoon from the port city of Paranagua, wearing a helmet, thermal suit and a parachute.

They lost track of Carli about eight hours in, and a search party including helicopters, fishing boats and hikers were summoned. Sadly, pieces of balloon were found in the sea, although the searchers maintained their optimism. After all, it was said Carli was an experienced sky diver, and had researched his project thoroughly.

“We have no reason at this point to believe he is not still alive. He may be floating in the ocean, on some isolated beach or on land somewhere,” said Paulo Eduardo Neves, a commander of one of the fire departments searching for Carli.

 Yes, he’s probably on a beach, basking in the sun, laughing at all those suckers looking for him, cackling with delight at the prospect of never preparing another sermon.

But that seems unlikely given Carli’s devotion. His ill-fated project was to raise money for a “spiritual rest stop for truckers in Paranagua, home to Brazil’s largest grain port.” During the soy export season, truckers are apparently stuck in Paranagua for days on end, with nothing to do but stare at the water.

So Carli had an idea in mind. And it couldn’t be boring like a bake sale, or car wash. That would not be good enough for the plucky soy truckers of Brazil. Bingo night? That would promote gambling. Magazine sale? Hmmm, that has potential.

“But no,” Carli must have thought. “I’m going to fly in a chair beneath hundreds of balloons, for at least 19 hours, letting the wind carry me to my destination. What could go wrong?”

Sadly, it seems, everything. The clock was ticking as I wrote this, hope waning among the people of Brazil. Time was running out.

“Depending on his physical fitness and how badly, if at all, he was injured, he could probably survive in the water for at least five days, maybe a bit more,” Neves said.

Easy for him to say. The sharks may have had other ideas.

The more pessimistic of souls might believe that Carli crashed. Or that he passed out from the sudden rise in altitude (one report had him reaching 20,000 feet) and died of hypoxia. That’s how professional golfer Payne Stewart died back in 1999. Flying to a tournament, Stewart’s Learjet lost cabin pressure and everyone on board died, leaving an Air Force jet to shadow the ghost plane as it slowly ran out of gas, and eventually crashed.

I prefer another approach.

I choose to believe that Carli did not float away aimlessly on the fickle winds to meet his doom. I believe he was carried. Guided by a greater hand to a blissful existence for the rest of eternity. A reward for a lifetime of good deeds.

Hopefully he is there now, smiling as he reads this. Shaking his head, perhaps, but not holding it against me too much. Organizing a bake sale or car wash — or maybe even an ice cream social – for The Big Parish in the Sky.

The balloon man, in heaven.