I know how to take care of my kids!

Engaging in a drive-by shooting against your daughter’s ex-boyfriend does not make you a great mother. Not even in St. Tammamy, La.

Story from WWL – AM870

Fave five: Political campaign ads

It’s that time of year where it seems like 90 percent of television commercials involve one politician referring to another as a Bush clone, while another paints the original basher as the spawn of Satan. Don’t laugh, that one’s bound to come sooner or later.

Some can be funny, some stupid. Some are painful, while others are just painful to watch.

In honor of the season, here are our fave five political campaign ads, ranked in order.

5. BILL RICHARDSON IS THE NEXT JOHN WAYNE

4. JEDI MIND TRICKS: VOTE FOR ME!

Wall Street bailout? You first!

Nancy Pelosi

So House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says she won’t support Bush’s $700 million bailout plan unless Republican legislators pledge their support. This according to a story on TheHill.com.

In related news, the neighbor dog says he won’t pee on the bush unless the other neighbor dogs pledge to also pee on the bush first. You see, the bush is on fire. It could end up burning down the whole block. But that dog knows it could get into trouble if the owner of the bush decides he would rather have it burn down than smell like dog pee.

No, it’s not a perfect analogy. And no, it’s not meant to be an argument for or against the bailout. Merely to point out the inanity of politics.

Yeah, yeah, we know. That’s how the game is played. Clinton had to lobby hard to get NAFTA passed. Republican leaders like Newt Gingrich and Bob Dole were in favor, but pledged only limited support, forcing Clinton to lobby his own Democrat brethren hard. Sure this sort of thing happens all the time.

But this is a crisis people. This is the sort of thing that could snowball. Go worldwide. Then what?

How about this? How about each politician weigh the package on its own merit. Weigh how your constituency is likely to react versus what you think is best for the country. Then decide.

If you’re for it, vote yes. If you’re against it, vote no. But don’t just vote no. How about coming up with a better idea?

Too simple? Geez. What are we paying you people for?

More fun found on the Web:

• Driving your son to a drive-by-shooting does not make you a good mother. Not even in Long Beach. (CBS13.com)
• Software program helps you spot political spin. Cool! (Technology.newscientist.com)
• More evidence fraternities are stupid: Tonight, we’re gonna drink a bunch of milk, puke on the freeway, and cause some accidents! Thank you sir, may I have another! (ArizonaRepublic)
• Apparently, a tried and true method of ultimate fighting is to pull off your shorts and throw them at police officers. (Wauwatosanow.com)

Hogan knows best: Voting is HAAARRD!

Brooke Hogan

Clearly, Brooke Hogan is a political genius. Will she vote in the 2008 presidential election? Maybe not, at least until she gets more information. Like who’s running.

Actually that’s not fair, the daughter of professional wrestler Hulk Hogan, and a budding pseudo-celebrity herself, knows all about Obama and McCain. Like, she totally knows that Obama and McCain are running for president. And she knows that Obama is black! Isn’t that great?

But the younger, fairer Hogan, eligible to vote for the first time, whined to Howard Stern that “I feel it’s unfair to be judged by this whole voting thing.”  And when asked who currently held the office of vice president, she blanked, complaining that “There’s too many frickin’ people in office!”

(You can read the story, and listen to the Stern audio here.)

Cheney's pissed!

OK, so Brooke doesn’t know who’s vice president. Does that make her an idiot? Well, let’s rephrase that … does that make her unique among Americans? Of course not! But at least give her credit. She should be applauded for saying she may not vote because she doesn’t want to make a wrong decision. She claims she “looked into” registering, or at least had her bookkeeper look into it for her.

In a related story, Brooke Hogan’s bookkeeper is being lobbied by both sides to get lost on the way to registration.

More fun found on the Web:

• Mexico has financial crisis, U.S. comes to the rescue. Same thing when problems hit Asia. But when the U.S. has a financial crisis, the world laughs. But remember gloaters, we’re all connected to each other in this global economy. (L.A. Times)
• At least Posh Spice is starting to like things better in L.A. So much that she’s eating! And (GASP) is that a smile?! (TheSun)
• Keeping the bottle full of beer does not make you a good mother. Not even in Oklahoma. (NewsOK.com)
• Manhattan Congressman calls Sarah Palin “disabled.” Some people might find this offensive. Like, you know, Palin’s son, who has Down syndrome. (WCBSTV.com)
• Obama offers some substance to back the rhetoric. The topic? The economic crisis. (HuffingtonPost)

Phelps on TV: A fish out of water

Anyone who watched Saturday Night Live’s season opener realized almost instantly that Michael Phelps, the guest host, simply isn’t cut out for this sort of thing.

As brilliant as he was in the pool in Beijing, he was just as awkward onstage in front of a live audience and television cameras. He stumbled across his lines and at times looked downright uncomfortable.

This isn’t surprising, and is always a risk tuning in when the show’s guest host is a non-actor. You never know what you’ll get.

Michael Jordan was pretty awkward, too, but his skit with Al Franken’s Stuart Smalley was so brilliant that that’s what most people remember.

Peyton Manning was pretty good, but he’s much older than Phelps (32 vs. 23), and has appeared in more commercials than the Budweiser Clydesdales.

So cut Phelps some slack, just don’t feel sorry for him. After all, he’s got eight gold medals from Beijing, he’s rich and keeping some pretty interesting company.

Now, let’s poke fun, along with Time Magazine, and see where Phelps ranks among the worst all-time SNL hosts. Interestingly, the only other athlete mentioned is Nancy Kerrigan. Not counting Carl Weathers, the man also known as Apollo Creed who played college (and pro, briefly) football.