Researching what beautiful women want (so you don’t have to!)

Getting to the bottom of something important

I would like to make a request of my handful of faithful AB readers out there.

Please spread the word. I am now accepting research money for a special project I have dreamed up. It will be ground-breaking and Earth-shaking. It will challenge every pre-conceived notion you have ever had about life and set the science world on its ear.

With my research, I will strive to answer the question that has been on the minds of men and women for centuries: Do beautiful women prefer men with large bank accounts?

If you decide to invest in my project, I pledge to work tirelessly for hours at a time. I will sacrifice literally days of my life for the sake of this important research. All I need, my dear readers, is the bank account.

That’s where you come in.

With your thoughtful and worthwhile donations to the cause, I will buy nice clothes, and perhaps – if you do your jobs as investors – a nice car. I will go to expensive bars and buy expensive drinks for the most beautiful women I can find. Then I will compare notes on my level of success compared to my earlier, poor, pre-research-grant life.

*There is no time to waste, please send money now.

For those of you requesting more background on my project, I must say that I conceived of my idea after reading this story about another research project by some fine fellows in Ireland. It seems they convinced someone they needed money to research the effect of hangovers on the work of surgeons. For their project, they went out and partied with a bunch of surgeons, then monitored how they performed in virtual reality surgeries the next day.

The result was shocking: Hungover surgeons did not perform as well as those who did not drink the night before.

At 9 AM, hung-over students made about 19 errors on average, while those who hadn’t been drinking made only eight. This difference hadn’t been seen before the night out, and faded over the day.

That’s a huge difference, as you are far more likely to survive a surgery where the person with the knife only makes eight mistakes. Thank goodness for the tireless work of our research friends from the Royal College of Surgeons. It must have been difficult to find subjects for their project.

* Please do not send money. This whole idea is a joke. I think. Well, at least I’m pretty sure. Is it? Yeah, it’s a joke.

In death, world’s oldest man leaves lesson on how to live

With age comes wisdom

Walter Bruening died on Thursday in Great Falls, Mont. at the age of 114.

He leaves behind 111 years of memories – think about that! – and a wealth of wisdom, including the secrets to living a long life. Among Bruening’s tips:

• Embrace change, even when it slaps you in the face. (“Every change is good.”)
• Eat two meals a day. (“That’s all you need.”)
• Work as long as you can. (“That money’s going to come in handy.”)
• Help others. (“The more you do for others, the better shape you’re in.”)

This sounds like great advice to me. It goes far beyond eating right and exercising and going to bed at a decent hour.

It’s about not only keeping your body strong and healthy, but your mind sharp and your heart happy.

“Everybody says your mind is the most important thing about your body. Your mind and your body. You keep both busy, and by God you’ll be here a long time,” he said.

Well said.

I guess the only gripe I have is the whole “two meals a day” thing. But then again, Bruening didn’t specify what you could and couldn’t eat, or how many calories you could consume. He also didn’t mention snacks, or the even more difficult question of soup – does it count as a meal or not?

It might take another 114 years to figure that one out.

All I know is that as long as I can get the occasional steak in there, I’ll be happy.

This is not intended to be a factual blog post

Jon Kyl, pants on fire

Arizona Sen. Jon Kyl is a cheapskate who only tips about 5 percent. He tears the tags off his mattresses, runs with scissors whenever possible, and refuses to recycle. He hates freedom, ice cream and kittens. He is a card-carrying member of NAMBLA, and is involved in one of the most prominent crime families in America.

By reading the preceding paragraph, you might get the impression that Kyl is a horrible human being. He might very well be, I don’t really know. In fact, as far as I know, none of the things I wrote about Kyl above are true. I’m sorry if you got the wrong impression, but this is not intended to be a factual blog post. I’m merely trying to make a point, just like Kyl did.

Kyl said a silly, uniformed thing while debating budget cuts on the senate floor this week. He said that Planned Parenthood – federal funding for which is a huge point of contention – is all about abortion, stating that it was “well over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does.”

It turns out that Kyl’s 90 percent figure was off by a mere 87 percent, which seems like a lot, but in reality probably wasn’t too bad by politician standards.

When Kyl was called out for his bogus statistic, his response could have been to admit that he didn’t know what he was talking about. He could have blamed his mistake on a brain fart, shoddy research by an intern, or alien abduction. Instead, he had his office release this statement:

‘His remark was not intended to be a factual statement, but rather to illustrate that Planned Parenthood, a organization that receives millions of dollars in taxpayer funding, does subsidize abortions.’

“It was not intended to be a factual statement.” Imagine the freedom one must feel in saying such a thing. Some examples:

• George Washington: “The cherry tree? When I said it wasn’t me, I was just trying to make a point. My bad, bro.”
• Young Average Bob: “Yes mom, I know I told you my homework was finished, but that was not intended to be a factual statement.”
• Richard Nixon: “You know that whole ‘I am not a crook’ thing? Yeah, well, I didn’t mean to mislead you about that. Sorry! LOL!”

I don’t what kind of politician Kyl is, and I don’t have any idea how to fix our budget problems. But there is one thing I am sure of: Jon Kyl is a liar, and not a very good one at that. He is good enough at it, however, to light his own pants on fire.

Wyatt Cenac of The Daily Show breaks it down here.

I know how to take care of my kids!

Engaging in a drive-by shooting against your daughter’s ex-boyfriend does not make you a great mother. Not even in St. Tammamy, La.

Story from WWL – AM870

Fave five: Political campaign ads

It’s that time of year where it seems like 90 percent of television commercials involve one politician referring to another as a Bush clone, while another paints the original basher as the spawn of Satan. Don’t laugh, that one’s bound to come sooner or later.

Some can be funny, some stupid. Some are painful, while others are just painful to watch.

In honor of the season, here are our fave five political campaign ads, ranked in order.

5. BILL RICHARDSON IS THE NEXT JOHN WAYNE

4. JEDI MIND TRICKS: VOTE FOR ME!